You Are Still in a Situationship
Ashley
Nobody lied. Nobody made a promise. That is the whole problem.
His oat milk is in my fridge.
Not because he left it. Because I bought it. His specific one, the barista blend in the green carton, because he mentioned once that he prefers it and I filed that away like it was useful information. It has been three weeks. We have not talked about what this is. The oat milk just sits there on the second shelf, next to my stuff. Every morning I see it and think: okay.
That is a situationship. Not the oat milk specifically. The okay.
What a Situationship Looks Like
A situationship does not feel undefined when you are inside it. It feels like something. It has a texture, a routine, a language that belongs only to the two of you. You have inside jokes. You have a show you are watching together. You know how they take their coffee. They call when something happens, not to anyone else, to you specifically. Somehow, alongside all of that, there is no conversation that has named any of it.
No definition includes the part where you both know. It is not ambiguity exactly. It is more like a mutual decision, never spoken out loud, to not look directly at what this is. You both know. You keep going anyway.
It sits somewhere between "we are just hanging out" and "we need to talk." You could name it if pressed. You do not press.
Why You Stayed
The definition does not mention 11pm.
The connection is real. That is the part nobody accounts for when they say just leave. The fact that they text back within minutes and seem genuinely interested in what you think about things, that is real. None of it stops being real just because it does not have a name.
The situationship offers intimacy without the exposure of asking for it. You get the feeling of being chosen without having to find out if you actually are. You get closeness without the conversation that makes closeness official and therefore possible to lose.
I stayed in mine for longer than I am going to write here. Not because I did not know what it was. Because it felt better than the alternative, which was having the conversation that might end it. Finding out that the answer was no.
Some intimacy feels better than the risk of none. Most people know that before they say it out loud.
The Signs You Are In One (Honestly)
The actual signs.
- You know their schedule well enough to know when they are free but you have never made plans more than two days in advance.
- You have met their friends, but as a person they were with that night, not as someone they introduced with any particular intention.
- There was one conversation, early on, that was supposed to clarify things. It ended with "let's just see how it goes." You are still seeing how it goes.
- You have opened a message, thought about what to say for twenty minutes. Sent something so neutral it communicates nothing. They do the same. You are both performing casual for an audience of each other.
- You do not post them. They do not post you. This has never been discussed. You both just know.
- You have described this to at least one friend and used the words "it is complicated" without elaborating, because elaborating would require you to say the part out loud.
Why Leaving Is Harder Than It Sounds
The thing everyone says is: just have the conversation. Which is fine advice from the outside of one. It sits completely inert in your body at 11pm on a Tuesday when they are right there.
Because the situationship has not done anything wrong. No one lied. No one made a promise. The whole arrangement has been built on the careful absence of promises, which means there is nothing to point at and say: this is where it went wrong. You cannot end something that was never officially started. You cannot grieve something that was never officially yours.
So instead you stay a little longer. You buy the oat milk. You learn the barista blend.
And every morning you see it on the second shelf and you think: okay.
I burned STICKY through most of that situationship. Sakura Mochi. Soft and sweet, then suddenly the room feels smaller. It did not fix anything. It just matched the mood.
FAQ
Nothing in here I didn't already know from the inside.
What is the difference between a situationship and friends with benefits? Friends with benefits involves a conversation. Usually early, usually direct: this is physical, this is what it is, we both know. A situationship is what happens when that conversation never gets had. You end up with all the intimacy and none of the terms. FWB has rules, even loose ones. A situationship has the careful avoidance of them.
How long does a situationship usually last? Some end when someone finally says the thing. Some end when one person disappears. Some become relationships. The timeline is whatever it takes for one person to run out of patience before the other does.
Is a situationship the same as being led on? Not the same thing. Being led on is one person with a plan and another person without one. A situationship is usually both people choosing not to look directly at it, for their own reasons. It can turn into being led on if one person knows the answer and just never says it. But a lot of the time no one is steering. Everyone is just drifting and hoping the other person asks first.
How do you end a situationship? Most people do not end them on purpose. One person runs out of patience. Or someone new appears. Or it just stops being maintained and fades without a formal close. You stop replacing the oat milk. That is usually what it looks like.
Can a situationship turn into a relationship? Yes. But it does not evolve on its own. Someone has to name it. The other person has to not disappear when it gets named.
The oat milk ran out eventually. I did not replace it.
/ Ash
